Daily rants of a cow

I was so sorry when I got on the plane on my own,
sorry because I wanted to share it with you
I didn't want to go away
Because I miss you
I missed you before I even left

But here I am now,
Surrounded by familiar faces
Listening to familiar voices
The same story every time
Here I am now,
I know I can do things without you
And I do
But what value does it have?
What does it mean ?
What does it all mean?
If I can't share it with anyone.

i always feel very anxious to leave the island, go back for a taste of the old life

see the people i've known all my life, the place I ran away from to come here

hearing my parents give the same speeches about how life should and shouldn't be, how i do everything wrong

whilst here i leave with heartache knowing that most probably i will not be missed, life will go on without me and the memory of me will slip away and when i come back i'll be ignored just like the odd cushion on the couch

i don't feel i belong anywhere, everything i touch turns to dust

i wish i could go back to the happy times when i was wanted, cherised and loved - when you thought i was nice and sweet

I sit here and I wait,
Along the edge,
my spirit soars,
Up in the skies,
Down in the soils.
My heartbeat like music in my ears,
And in the wind I'm lost in fear,
and in the thrill the pleasure.

in my darkest hour
i whisper your name
my head is spinning
my heart in great pain
i just need you to
hold my hand
in my darkest hour
i whisper your name
but you're far away
you don't even notice
pain painted on my face
in my darkest hour
i whisper your name
i just need you
to hold me
tell me i'll be ok
in my darkest hour
i'm afraid i might die
and no one will notice
or even care

the elusive slippery truth
i stood tall because
i foolishy thought i knew
i thought i knew better
than anyone else
arrogant and stubborn
beyond comprehension
all this time i expected
nothing but full attention
and when i didn't get it
i was harsh vindictive
full of resentment
i gave it my all
only to expect it back
i feel so guilty
accusing others
and being as bad myself
the elusive slippery truth
i stood tall because
i thought i knew better
than anyone else
arrogant and stubborn
beyond comprehension

all my life i've stood
for my beliefs I've taken
the punishment i've endured
and now is not the time to cower
behind me all my soldiers
my family and friends
i stand up and charge
for the battle is close at hand
so hear me now and listen well
i will stand my ground
i shall not hide or run away
i shall not leave
this battle i shall win

muse that whispers in my ear,
you are the one i will not fear,
i long for you to hold me near,
for i am lost in this path unclear.

for inside me winter sings,
the frost has frozen all my tears,
my soul in slumber lays,
my heart ceased beating

muse that whispers in my ear,
awake the feelings i hold dear,
for life is worthless without pain,
love and fire in my soul

i am no more than a speck of dust,
i am no more than a breath in the wind
i am no more than a drop in the ocean
i am no more than a tear on a face

yet so many words have spilt on paper,
and every word is part of me,
my deepest thoughts and silent pleas
my struggle to comprehend

muse that whispers in my ear,
stop this torture my plea's sincere,
i cannot stand to face my fear,
i'd rather fade and disappear

I'm walking through the valley of darkness,
again,
No biblical rain will wash my face
No faith will lift me up into the light
For this is where i'm meant to be
the furtherest corner of infinity
and i can hear my mind speak
for reason here is more important than survival

I'm walking through the valley of darkness,
again,
and for every step i take
the weight on my shoulders doubles the stress on my spine
No simbolic creature will speak to me
No magical doors will appear to let me out
For this is where i'm meant to be
a far cry nobody can hear
the reject that has disappeared

here's the words locked in my heart,
if you looked at me you'd see,
i struggle alone in the dark,
because your words so sharp like knives,
have slain my heart a million times,
and through the pain,
i miss you mostly for,
your enthusiasm for life,
your charm and warmth.
i miss our late night chats
and friendly pokes,
i miss our sharing of wonderful plans
and crazy ideas,
Between us now a canyon
great divides
i struggle alone to cross
this bridge full of a million thorns,
just for a tiny smile,
i wish i could read you mind,
wonder around it and explore
maybe to understand what's going on,
life is so unfair
full of dilemmas and angry days
perseverance so hard to chase,
i've become afraid to speak,
show emotion, cry or laugh
i live in fear that my every move
will call on wrath
the cold answer and harsh words
i shall never ask for hug or kiss,
i shall never ask for anything again.
you say sorry but its empty words,
i'm punished for committing no crime,
the past adventures all gone away,
for every word nor silence reigns,
no place for me left in your empty life,
you are the biggest challenge i ever met,
with others kind and giving,
with me horrid and forbidding
cold as winter i am inside,
all i wanted was some of your time,
i gave all my soul to make this work,
i'll fight for it through night and day,
top of my list you always were,
whether you're sick or in good health,
i feel like i've lost all my strenght,
i feel left out, forgotten amidst the clutter,
i've been slayed, belittled, insulted and rejected,
and yet i've never bit back
the hurt absorbed and carefully packed
i've been sick and left alone,
not even a text to check how i am,
you used to text me to make sure i turn up,
now you send me away
whatever i say won't change a thing
you turn you back and go away.

listen
my broken heart sings
and in the hidden whispers
my silent plea
listen
my broken heart sings
i am only but a girl
but you are to me a friend
a lover and my love
and to you i'd give
my last piece of chocolate,
my last piece of bread,
i would follow you wherever,
you wanted me to go,
take care of you when you're sick,
hold you in your sleep
listen
my broken heart sings
and in the hidden whispers
my silent plea
i am only but a girl